Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
