Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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