The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There r osticjed everywhere
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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