I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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