i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
