You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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