chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
