I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
