I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
