She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
