my mouth tastes like poor choices
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
