the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
