3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
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I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
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Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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