I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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