To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
