i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
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On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
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Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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