"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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