Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
