I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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