I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
