just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
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