That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You were trust falling into bushes
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
