She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
