I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
