i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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