Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
