i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
