I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
