do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
