I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
