His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
