I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
