I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize