im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
