i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
No stitches, just platelets and will power
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
