I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
