Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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