My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
