If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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