bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
