you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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