We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
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My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
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You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
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