It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
