Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I think I sprained my soul last night
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
