You don't have asthma, your pregnant
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
