Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
