I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
