God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
