I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
