Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Send help, water and tortillas.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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