Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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