when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
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