I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
