Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
