yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
