Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
